Last week, I wrote about Week 2 of Julia Cameron’s Artist’s Way course to build creativity. If you purchased the book and are following along, I hope this past week was fruitful. To the rest of you, I invite you to join in and comment how the course is helping (or hindering) you in your lives!
The work of Week 2 built on our growing habit of self-care. As we continued to affirm to ourselves we were worthy of living our own lives, we were encouraged to turn the affirmation outward — to affirm to others that our lives and creativity are ours, not theirs. We were charged with realizing, asserting, and recovering our identity.
But failing to build an identity requires giving up the agency to do so. Deep down, we know who we are, even if we choose not to probe it, label it, and own it.
The reason we close our mind is irrelevant: maybe society does not accept aspects of our identity, maybe our parents did not accept us, maybe only our fear holds us back. The result is the same — we do not become the person we could be, and we do not feel fulfilled in our lives.
Week 3 focuses on recovering our agency — realizing and asserting our power.
Week 2 recap
Before I discuss Week 3, part of the Artist’s Way process is to give a status report.
I wrote Morning Pages all seven days this week. It was not easy this previous Saturday — I felt a migraine coming on and far preferred to lie in bed (which I did the rest of the day). But after three weeks, I recognize the value Morning Pages bring, and I pushed myself to do them.
I also took an Artist Date — I shirked what I thought I “should” do and took care of myself instead. To be clear, this felt great! I see, however, I still need practice. Despite the obvious benefit I experienced, I notice the terminology I used — “shirked” — as if writing stuff supersedes caring for the person who writes stuff.
I have the power…I think
Week 3 of The Artist’s Way course is titled “Recovering a Sense of Power.” That is far easier said than done.
Asserting our agency to become who we are is difficult — we must overcome a lifetime of preventing ourselves from becoming. Before we allow a part of ourselves to emerge, we allow others to cast us in their molds. We enable others to use our flaws against us. The power we should wield over our lives is given — voluntarily — to those who will not use it in our best interests.
Sometimes we have little choice. When we are children, we expect our parents to love us and care for us, and sometimes they truly are not capable. We pay the debt incurred in our psychological checking account for the rest of our lives.
Sometimes, proverbial “bad things happen,” and we are put into situations at least partly beyond our control. Our only recourse then is to grit our teeth and wait it out.
Most of the time, however, we hand the power to others willingly. Maybe we have low self-worth, maybe we want to get started in a new career, maybe we believe those we trust will not betray us. But then we get angry.
We get angry because we know when we get betrayed. Unfortunately, other people are not always to blame — we get angriest when we realize we betrayed ourselves.
Anger is valuable, Cameron asserts. Anger shows us our boundaries and invites us to take action.
Oddly, these thoughts have surfaced in my mind organically over the past couple of days. As I read this chapter, I realized how appropriate it was.
I love to relate the Artist’s Way concepts to my transgender experience, and the anger at relinquishing my power of gender identity hits hard. Look at how foolish I have been! Look at the years and years of pain and suffering I endured! Look at how I enabled society to snub me, to misgender me, to mistreat me!
You rotten bastards!
Oh, wait…I did that.
Beginning to take action
I also recognize myself in a statement Cameron makes about God. To be clear from the outset, however, with the word “God,” Cameron does not mean the Christian God and all it entails. Instead, she means the creative and benevolent aspect of the Universe.
While I understand Cameron’s reasons behind using that particular word (familiarity in Western society, if nothing else), I intend to use “the Universe” to name the inner workings of creativity and life — the mother aspect of our existence.
What I recognize in myself is that — while I desperately wish to believe the Universe is there to care for me and help me succeed, in truth, I hope it is not.
Why? Because if the Universe is there to care for me, love me, and help me along, I will be held accountable to take action. I will be held responsible to do something — anything.
But worse than being held accountable, what if the Universe is actually pulling for me? What if the Universe wants me to succeed? What if the purpose of the Universe — the purpose of our lives — is to be who we are, to be happy? If so, I must see the help sent my way, I must accept it, I must use it, and I must push my purpose forward.
The secret here…? All of the above? It’s true — the Universe is benevolent, it is sentient, and it is pulling for us. All you have to do (as the breezy saying goes) is take action.
It is much easier to assume God is not there, the Universe is not listening, we are not supposed to live happy and fulfilling lives. With that attitude, anything we do not is acceptable. In fact, why do anything?
The challenge of no limitations
I learned a useful concept over the past year: there are two types of challenges we face. The first is the obvious challenge — when an external influence stops us from moving any further. Call this a wall, a fence, whatever — the point is you cannot keep moving because of an external limit. In these cases, the challenge forces us to learn how to achieve our goals in spite of the limitation.
The other type of challenge is more subtle — the challenge of what to do when you have no external influences. In these cases, the only limit is your ambition and your confidence. For me, this challenge is far more daunting. If I am my only barrier, what holds me back?
The only answer I have is not knowing what to do first. Or rather, what to fail doing first. Because that is my fear — that anything I do will fail.
But remember the part above about the Universe wanting us to be happy and fulfill our purpose? I may fail at something I attempt. But by attempting anything, I make more of myself to attempt the next something.
So what’s next?
This week — Morning Pages every day, an Artist Date at least once. As I mentioned last week, it’s working.
I will reclaim my agency. I wrote recently about how my career is punctuated by supernovas of work followed by black holes of burnout, all because of my low self-worth. I will take control of those situations.
I will believe in the Universe. When I truly need something, I get it. Even when I don’t know I need it, sometimes I still get something. I will learn to trust. I will learn to surrender.
This week, I will feel my power.
Until next week!